The Chainsaw Collective

The Bats Have Left The Bell Tower

2006-12-20T15:02:00.000-05:00

Right, so clearly, not many posts of late. And despite the whole 'never say never' element of my personality, I support the right to die. Officially. So, bang. If, Constant Reader*, you are the root cause type, the point of this exercise was to help my 'real' work by writing something every day (perma-IMing doesn't count). And yay! Because it did. So my focus is back on trying to finish and successfully hawk various horror screenplays. Spooky spooky, I know. Anyway, my darling deviants, I sincerely thank those of you who read and or enjoyed the site. I guess I'll got out on a potentially self promoting note and encourage anyone interested in being notified of upcoming projects I'm involved in to send an email to: maisiechainsaw at gmail.com or via aim: maisiechainsaw

So yeah. Kiss kiss, etc.
Maisie

(*herby SK reference, Holla!)

'Behind The Mask' Update

2006-12-02T11:09:00.000-05:00

Speaking of the festival circuit, last years splatter sensation 'Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon' will get theatrical distribution in January 2007. Darling of the genre Festival scene, a full review can be found here. The triumphant return of Zelda Rubinstein! Read it and weep. The above image is the new poster, go to B-Dizzy for lots of stills.

Sundance Gets Some Bite

2006-12-02T10:57:00.000-05:00

Indie horror flick 'Teeth' will be screened at this year's Sundance Film Festival. It's a coming of age story about a girl dealing with being the living embodiment of 'Vagina Dentata'. The choppers in the chocha storyline didn't go over well with the local community in Austin Texas when during filming last year, leading residents to complain the to Texas Film Commission, who had partially funded it. The complaints were dismissed and the controversial picture will hit the festival circuit this winter. 'Teeth' stars Nip/Tucks John Hensley and newcomer Jess Weixler.
Official Site
(Via Bloody Disgusting)

Linkage

2006-12-01T14:42:00.000-05:00

Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man Fansite

Vegan Safari

Slime Feuled Hummer

New Trailer for 'Hot Fuzz'

Hypnotic

2006-12-01T14:05:00.000-05:00

You know, for a minute you think this clip might be too long but the payoff is just so sweet.

This Is Not A Cool Beef

2006-11-30T15:02:00.001-05:00

Homoerotic rapper Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson is a terrible role model for today's youth not only because his lyrics espouse violence and denigrate women, but also because he picks the lamest people to feud with. Expect a diss track about 'The Wiggles' on his next album.
50 V. Oprah (Page Six, 3rd Item)

You Can't Go Back Again

2006-11-30T14:38:00.002-05:00

Neo-soul sensation Amy Winehouse, with the voice of an angel and the face of a desiccated snack cake, exemplifies my personal fears about attending my impending 10 year high school reunion:

AMY'S GOT NO CLASS
EXCLUSIVE: SINGER HAS TANTRUM DURING A VISIT TO STAGE SCHOOL
Eva Simpson & Caroline Hedley
SHE was famously expelled from her first stage school for her difficult behaviour.
And on a trip to her second one, Amy Winehouse gave a lesson in just how obnoxious she can be.The 23-year-old jazz babe, who is known to enjoy a liquid breakfast, arrived unsteady on her feet at the BRIT School for Performing Arts and Technology in Croydon, Surrey.
Then in a diva strop she refused to take part in filming for TV after a row with her boyfriend. She stormed off in tears from the school. Says our classroom insider: "It was chaos.
Some of the younger children were crying because they were so looking forward to seeing Amy perform.

"And the production staff just looked at each in disbelief, not knowing what too say.
"We tried to get her to change her mind, but she was having none of it and kept shouting 'no'." The BRIT school is one of the most prestigious in the UK and past students include Katie Melua and The Kooks.
One pupil told us: "We wish Katie had come instead for the filming because we wouldn't have got any diva-like behaviour from her.
"Amy was in such a state and just crying. She is an idol to many of us here because of what she's achieved so soon after leaving and we couldn't believe how she behaved."

The recording was for the show The Brits Are Coming, to be broadcast on ITV1 in the lead-up to next year's BRIT awards.
A spokesman for the singer was last night unavailable for comment.
Amy has form when it comes to being expelled. She was kicked out of London's Sylvia Young stage school aged 15. We revealed recently how she had a slanging match with her chef boyfriend Alex in a North London pub.It's not just Alex on the receiving end. Last week Amy was involved in a bust-up with a fan in Norwich. And she admitted punching another fan after a London gig.

Her bad behaviour is due mainly to her boozing. We revealed how she swigs champagne at breakfast and regularly enjoys a liquid lunch of vodka, whisky and liqueurs.

Source

Danny Boy

2006-11-29T15:42:00.000-05:00

I have never loved you more! Even if 'The View' is taped at like what, 10am?? and you are promoting a kids movie and the fumes coming off you almost warped my monitor, this clip kinda made my day. Especially when he sort of channels Oswald Cobblepot.

Oldie But a Goody (Sorry)

2006-11-29T15:25:00.000-05:00

This story is at least a month old but I love it too much to let it go. If you haven't read it, enjoy. If you all ready know all about it try reading it the way I first did, thinking Jade punched her own grandmother! (P.S. UK peeps, why is everyone obsessed with 'bullying'?)

8 November 2006
BB JADE GOODY IN CINEMA PUNCH-UP
By Mirror.co.uk
BIG BROTHER star Jade Goody was involved in a brawl at a cinema when she went to see new horror flick Saw 3.
Jade, 25, has been accused of punching 51-year-old Brenda Sparks on the nose.
But friends of the star claim Jade had stepped into a row to protect a teenage girl who she thought was being bullied.
A brawl broke out at the Odeon Lee Valley cinema in Edmonton, North London, on Sunday night after two groups of people began a popcorn fight which descended into a mini riot.
Jade was at the cinema with boyfriend Jack Tweedy to see the controversial new horror movie, which has had film fans passing out.
However, she got caught up in the X-rated action of the punch up.
Grandmother Brenda Sparks, whose nose was split open during the fracas, claimed Jade hit her twice in the face. She said: "I used to like her from the telly but now I think she's a piggy-faced thug."
Boyfriend Jack, however, said Jade was the "goodie" in the incident. He said: Jade was amazing. She was defending a girl who was being picked on and was totally fearless."

"Darling, you can't rape a townie"

2006-11-29T14:50:00.000-05:00

I have a strong suspicion my favorite line will be excised from the upcoming remake of 'Black Christmas'. Please, do you yourself a favor and go watch it. It's scary and thrilling and funny and bitchy and has a pre-crazy Margot Kidder. I get the feeling that the remake only has Buffy's kid sister and a PG-13 rating. Annnnyways, crap version of teaser trailer is below, beaucoup de stills and longer Int'l trailer at Bloody-Disgusting. Check it

Spooky Baby, Spooky!

2006-11-29T14:30:00.000-05:00

Not enough pulp in your juice this morning? If your idea of 'wet work' is equal parts Russ Meyer and Dario Argento then you will love Curt's 'Groovy Age of Horror'. Dedicated to the campiest, sleaziest, and spookiest book and comic cover-art from the 60's & 70's. In addition to English language works, there is an exhaustive listing of Fumetti, smutty Italian comics that often have horror or fantasy themes. Having grown up long after the gold age of EC horror comics, stuff like this fascinates me. You can peep it out here: Groovy Age of Horror.

CIAO FOR NOW

2006-10-02T14:29:00.000-04:00

***UPDATE 10/20- Hey! Almost ready to relaunch, as you can see it's a more simplified format. Sadly, all the old comments were erased in the update (soo sux). I'm kind of devastated by the downgrade in cuteness but the old format was too buggy and this story is too boring to continue, soo peace!

Sick Pick of The Week

2006-09-29T15:41:00.000-04:00

Who: John Carpenter (b. 1948) Why: The Thing might just be a perfect film. Because I went as Laurie Strode for Halloween. Because his 'Master's of Horror' episode reminds you there's still a man behind the brand.
See Also: IMDB

Slash From The Past

2006-09-29T14:34:00.000-04:00

One of the last great slasher films of the 1980's is Scott Spiegel's 'Intruder' (1989). Spiegel is an OG from the original Evil Dead crew and is now (alongside Eli Roth) running Raw Nerve Films. Shot on a microbudget, Spiegel shows (just like the ED films) that good horror isn't determined by dollar signs. KNB handles the FX, which for what they are (meaning 80's latex), totally rock. This is the kind of film that clearly follows the 'rules' of the slasher genre; madman vs. nighttime supermarket staff, locked in and isolated and surrounded by sharp objects... hilarity ensues. But there is more here then camp. Great camera work, an excellent variety of scares, and a phenomenal (for horror herbs like me) ensemble. Sam & Ted Raimi, Bruce Campbell, Renee Estevez, Dan Hicks, Lawrence Bender... All the Michigan Mafia. there is some really fun dialogue, including a speech recycled from 'Raising Arizona' (the Coen brothers are pals).
CHECK IT

The Devil's Rejects

2006-09-29T11:36:00.000-04:00

Taking The Fast Track To a Body Cavity Search BoingBoing
Not The Only Gay in Santa's Village Mirror
Nicky Hilton Being Funny (End of First Item) Page Six
Everybody Loves 'Ugly Betty' AICN
The Texas Chainsaw Videogame? Bloody Disgusting

Crispin Glover! Alt Porn! Herschel Gordon Lewis!

2006-09-29T10:24:00.000-04:00

What could these things possibly have in common (other then my personal DVD collection)? Open Sky Film's remake of HGL's 'The Wizard of Gore' starring Crispin Glover, Jeffrey Combs, Brad Dourif, Bijou Philips, and a handful of Suicide Girls. Though I prefer the similarly themed (yet vastly superior) 'Blood sucking Freaks', I have great affection for any old skool HGL gruetastic campfest. More info & lots of pictures here

Rosemary's Realtor

2006-09-25T20:10:00.000-04:00

I think I have read this article 7 times. And to think I started off the day under the assumption that Clinton's verbal spanking of that Foxbot was the best story of the day. Oh me of little faith, actual Satanists always trump figurative ones!

THE DEVIL'S APT. BROKER

Mending M'Duke

2006-09-25T13:41:00.000-04:00

The Marmaduke Project has a noble cause, making Marmaduke comics suck less. Check it out here: Link

Dexter's Laboratory

2006-09-24T20:55:00.000-04:00

Michael C. Hall's follow up to 'Six Feet Under' is Showtime's adaptation of Jeff Lindsay's novel 'Darkly Dreaming Dexter'.The production values are high and the actor's ensemble respectable. In addition to Hall, Julie Benz and James Remar turn in intriguingly complex performances in the pilot episode (available via link here, the passcode is 'sneak peek'). The show is uneven, good where it could be great, often sloppy where it should be sleek. Just for the record I had the same problem with the book, but in both cases, despite my critiques I enjoyed the experience.

So Dexter, nice guy, forensic blood spatter expert working for the Miami PD. Oh, and he's also a sociopathic serial killer. But there's a catch, he only kills bad people. Dexter has to navigate between these two worlds, he maintains 'normal' relationships both professional and personal but his only love is murder. When a serial killer whose style out paces Dexter's goes to work in Miami Dexter has to balance his fascination and attraction to the case with his duty to support the investigation. Additionally his foster sister (played by 'Emily Rose' herself, Jennifer Carpenter) is a vice cop trying to make the leap to homicide by solving the case and is relying on Dexter's preternatural insight to get her there.

So here are the problems, the commitment to the concept is totally inconsistent. This is a brilliant idea and clearly, in order to make this show, you understand that you are going to have to transgress social and literary conventions in order to convey both the black comedy and the true horror of the story. The daytime world of the police is portrayed as wrongheaded, clumsy and chaotic, in contrast to our hero's logical reserve. Fine, cool, but the strokes are so broad, these scenes play like foulmouthed Keystone cops. Without giving away too much, I found the murders, the coke head crimescene, and the crab smashing scenes all had the potential for both humor and pathos that just got discarded. It's so weird, because there are visual echoes to films that should have pointed the director in the right direction. How are you going to reference Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer, Taxi Driver, Frailty American Psycho, even Katiebird, (I could go on but think I've proven my nerdy point) and yet not seem to 'get' it. Kinda makes it feel less like referential homage and more like biteage of style.

As previously stated, despite my smack talk I did like this show. However, there is a sloppy subplot that made me go crazy(er). One of Dexter's 'victims is a murderous rapist. Dexter breaks into his home to find evidence to support his hunch, fine. Dexter is pointed in the right direction by the discovery of a bondage magazine. CALLED 'BONDAGE MAGAZINE.' I would have fired the entire art department! However, it's really more a symbol of the instances where the director has no faith in the intelligence of his audience. Inside the magazine is an ad for 'the Internets most extreme site' called 'Scream Bitch Scream'. Dexter logs on and finds his victim starring in a real rape/snuff film. Just like that. I understand the necessity of a conveniently placed literary device but, I mean come on now. I come to your party and you do me like that? For shame.

The good news is Michael C. Hall is great as Dexter, absolutely breaking away from his SFU character. Displaying pathos tinged subtlety and wit, Hall really inhabits each of Dexter's various personas. I hope the show will support his performance.

New Couple?

2006-09-22T15:20:00.000-04:00

The 3am girls think so, reporting today that Calum Best & Kimberly Stewart were seen swapping diseases at a Fashion Week party in London. I know some of you think CB is fit but all I see is Jude Law's gayporn-a-like.

CAL'S KIM'S BEST MATE

FINALLY, Kimberly Stewart and Calum Best have confirmed what we've suspected for aaages - they're an item.

Kim, 27, and Cal, 25, hit the MAC/Zhandra Rhodes party in London's Silver Club on Wednesday night and couldn't keep their hands off each other.

We're told: "They were inseparable and sat snogging all night."

Very nice. But given the track records of Rod and George, their womanising fathers, we give this about a week... Source

On The Town With L'Idiot

2006-09-22T14:52:00.000-04:00

Gosh, where do I start? I might be blind from viewing this Haute Baby Huey monstrosity. I feel like Ricky Gervais in the new episode of 'Extras', "Arr eww 'avin a laff? Arr eww 'avin a laff?" If celebrity stylist Jessica Paster really is responsible, for shame. Please, stick to what you know, like hooking the Simpson sisters up with blow.

What Do These Women Have In Common?

2006-09-22T14:41:00.000-04:00

Worst Dog & Pony Show EVER

2006-09-22T09:12:00.000-04:00

Steelers star faces fines after his dogs kill a horse

I hate pit bulls even more then I hate monkeys (especially chimpanzees, those things are the agents of Beelzebub). Why? Because they kill things, like ponies and bay area lesbians. I just don't get it, even when they're not out mauling they look ugly, with crazy faces that clearly have murder on their minds. Pit bull owners should be forced to trade their kill pups for Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. You know what they maul? Flip flops.

Image Source

There Is A Kingdom, There Is A King.. And He May Be Bald

2006-09-22T08:57:00.000-04:00

From Hair To Eternity
Brimstone-preaching Gothic beanpole Nick Cave refuses to let anyone photograph him from behind. Why not? He's a smart dresser and he's not carrying excessive 'junk in the trunk', so what's the problem? Well, he's incredibly paranoid about his rapidly-expanding bald spot that is so big it can be seen from the Great Wall Of China. Or something.
At a recent festival appearance, he laid into a photographer that he caught taking pictures of him from the side of the stage, his 'monkey's arse' in full view.
Nick is also a regular at the Café Nero near his home in Hove. He diligently collects points on his loyalty card, keen to secure his free coffee for every six purchased. Well, wigs don't come cheap. Just ask Elton. Source

I DO NOT HAVE PUPPET CANCER!

2006-09-21T22:39:00.000-04:00

Parts of this are genius.
Via Defamer

Angie's Got Bank(sy)

2006-09-20T17:14:00.000-04:00

Grumpy Gossip Lloyd Grove has the deets on what Angelia Jolie took home from Banksy's LA installation. The first piece, enh not into the description personally, but that's clearly her jam. The second one might appeal to my baser goth tendencies, but there is no excuse for number 3. I oppose clown art in any form. Don't tell tell me it's abstracted and moderne and some kind of comment on something. The merest whiff of le clown is unacceptable. No Clown Art EVER!

Angelina Jolie doesn't just adopt malnourished children - she spends hundreds of thousands of dollars for weird art pieces of them.

Star magazine reports that the movie siren and mother of three - two adopted kids, one from Cambodia, one from Africa and a biological daughter named Shiloh - stopped by a Los Angeles warehouse and blew almost $400,000 on three pieces by in-your-face Brit artist Banksy.

A $226,000 painting - titled "Picnic" - depicts a white family of four merrily lunching under an umbrella on a red checked blanket while 15 starving Africans - including several children with distended bellies - look on.

A $75,000 purchase - a white bust with a bleeding bullet hole in the forehead - was a particular favorite of Jolie's. "She went nuts for that one," an onlooker told the mag. "She told [her baby daddy], 'I must have that one.'"

For another cool $75,000, she picked up a portrait of a man hit in the head with a custard pie.

Source

Loads of Jod's!

2006-09-20T16:27:00.000-04:00

This chapter is but a summary of a single update from Jodie Marsh's site, she's so prolific!

So Miss Marsh what’s up?

She’s trying and failing to rob the cradle of some teenager from
Strictly Dance Fever:

How does a 19 year olds brain work?! Is he secretly sitting at home thinking about me? Or did he just enjoy being pursued by a famous model for a while (cos lets face it, if Robbie Williams asked me out, I'd wanna tell everyone.... Oh sorry, he did and I did!)

She inspires HERSELF to tell HERSELF
her own life story in the 3^rd person

You get your first boyfriend at 14 (he's not that great-looking but you love him more than anything in the world. You loose your virginity to him and you spend every minute of your spare time with him. One day you walk in to find your best friend Naomi shagging him on the sofa in your own house. From there (after a shed-load of tears), you end up going out with a man hooked on drugs. You get him off the drugs and he promises to stay straight. He doesn't…..

This is mega excerpted, it's one looonnnggg life story,
save some for the next auto-biog J!!

You jump straight into another relationship with a professional Heavyweight Boxer. You do this because you are still getting abuse shouted at you in clubs and bars from the same people you went to school with (who also happen to know who the Boxer is and are all scared of him). The boxer ends up beating you black and blue for four years…

So sad domestic abuse is never funny, poor Jodie.. what could happen next???

During your time lap-dancing, you make a TV show. It propels you to instant over-night fame. You are front page of all the newspapers. Three days before the TV show is due to air, your best friend (who has a ten week old baby) is murdered by her own boyfriend. Three days later (on the day of the TV show), your dog (who may as well be your human child) is killed by a fox in the garden.

Jodie gets a new boyfriend…

A few months on, he sleeps with your other best friend (a girl who didn't have much in life and who you took in and looked after like a sister). This time you don't forgive him, you kick him out without so much as a "goodbye". Two weeks after you split, you find out you're pregnant. You call him to tell him because you don't agree with abortion and he calls you a "lying c*nt" and then goes straight to all the newspapers to tell them that you're a "lying c*nt" and that he's not interested and doesn't even believe the baby is his! You feel like you have no choice other than to have an abortion as you don't want to bring a baby up into so much hatred. You lie on the operating table and sob yourself to sleep.

Good lord, how is she holding up these days??

I've got three bruises on the inside of my left arm, I've got a giant bruise on my left leg and bruise on my side, just underneath my new tattoo (they're all from doing the lifts with Ben). I've got a cigarette burn on my side (also next to the tattoo) and two more on my right leg (from Aiya Napa). My back and arms are peeling badly, my tan is real NOT fake (I've just come back from lying by the pool in Cyprus every day). My nose is peeling, I've got cellulite and I've got a few tiny stretch marks from where I put on weight and lost it again. I got turned away from a members only club (even though I could afford to buy ten memberships on the spot) because they probably guessed (correctly) that they would get more publicity if they turned me away than if they had just let me in (another classic case of people using me to try and get publicity!),

So how does it end??

I got in a rickshaw because we tried for 5 minutes to get a cab and couldn't get on

Brava, Miss Marsh, Brava.

C-Love's Secret?

2006-09-20T16:03:00.000-04:00

Sorry haters, the Courtney Love Comeback Train rolls on! 3 separate items have shown up in various media outlets today: Perez Hilton is claiming CL saved Whitney! TMZ has CL looking fly and keeping her heart shaped box covered at Hyde! And she's in NME this week, so yay!

Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain's widow Courtney Love has claimed one of the songs on their classic 1991 album 'Nevermind' is about her - but she won't say which one.

Speaking exclusively to NME, Love also acknowledged that most of the songs are about Cobain's girlfriend before he got together with Love, Tobi Valli, but she says there's one that he wrote about her towards the end of the sessions.

She said: "There's only really one about me because it was written late in the day. Most of the songs are about another girl, which is annoying. But I'm not gonna name (which one's about me) because I feel like it's just my secret.

"A lot of the songs on there aren't even about girl stuff."

America's Next 'Top' Model!

2006-09-20T15:11:00.000-04:00

The CW Network launches it's inaugural fall schedule tonight with a 2 hour premiere of Top Model! Reportedly, Tyra gets right down to business with a nudie shoot, followed up by a shoot satirizing classic pitfalls of modeldom, including ani/bulimi and the blowage of big fat rails! Also, the winner's prize has changed, so Tyra will no longer be droning "blah blah top international agency blah world renowned photographer Gilles Bensimon blah Cover Girl (TESTS ON ANIMALS) blah"

Ghost House Goes Mobile

2006-09-19T16:11:00.000-04:00

Sam Raimi has produced three exclusive shorts that will be part of an extensive digital marketing campaign to promote Columbia Pictures and Ghost House Pictures' "The Grudge 2," which will be released Oct. 13. Fans can download them to their mobile phones or watch them on the movie's official Web site for free. In addition, those who volunteer their mobile phone number will receive a surprise call from Kayako or Toshio, the terrifying ghosts at the heart of the movie's plot. Dwight Caines, Columbia TriStar Marketing Group executive vp worldwide digital marketing strategy, said these and other aspects of the campaign were designed to suggest that the sequel to the 2004 horror hit would take the original's story to "the next level" as it ranges beyond the haunted house of "The Grudge." Source

Sam, I love you and stuff, but isnt one of those ghost completely silent and the other just kind of makes a rattling noise?

Daily Del Toro

2006-09-19T15:56:00.000-04:00

The trailer isn't new but this one-sheet is, and it's my favorite so far. The layout incorporates the best elements of other versions, hints at the creature design, and generally feels less vagina dentata in the symbolism dept.

Lies! Lies! Lies?

2006-09-19T15:29:00.000-04:00

Just because this story is probably true doesn't mean I have to like it. Until the second to last paragraph, because THAT story is an all time fave.

Coogan Can't Get Into The Hilton
ByEMILY SMITH, US Editor
September 19, 2006
SEX addict Steve Coogan was snubbed by Paris Hilton when he begged her to let him into her Hollywood home.

The Alan Partridge star paid a late-night visit to the hotel heiress’s pad after drinking in a club with her and Rod Stewart’s daughter Kimberly.

He banged on the door for an HOUR and demanded to be let in by 25-year-old Paris, who had left the nightspot before him.

But Paris, who dismissively calls the funnyman “Courtney’s Creep” (Ed: becasue that sounds soo much like Paris Hilton, not at all like a british tab writer) after his brief fling with her pal Courtney Love, refused to open up.

A source close to her said: “She wouldn’t touch him if he was the last man on Earth.”

A rejected and dejected Coogan, 40, was left to trudge a mile and a half to his hotel.

The source said: “Coogan met Paris and Kimberly at Hyde nightclub and tried to persuade them to do shots of spirits with him.

“Kimberly did a few but then backed off because she thought he was getting too friendly.

“Coogan carried on chatting to Paris but wasn’t happy to end it there when the girls said they were leaving.

“He got a taxi to take him to Paris’s house and ended up banging on the door for an hour asking to be let in. Paris refused.”

Coogan is in Los Angeles with writing partner Henry Normal to sell his BBC comedy shows Saxondale and Nighty Night.

He checked into the exclusive Chateau Marmont hotel. But he also took a room at the nearby Mondrian, under the name Joel Rosenthal, as his personal “love pad”.

Coogan has been spotted boozing with a string of women including ’70s model Janice Dickinson.

Onlookers said the Manchester comedian and silicone-enhanced Janice were “all over each other” at the Mondrian last week.

Coogan’s 18-month marriage to society beauty Caroline Hickman collapsed last year after he spent the night with a pair of lapdancers.

He met Joanne Young, 22, and Jenny Ryan, 23, in London’s Embassy Club.

They ended up in a hotel room where Coogan repeated Partridge’s catchphrases “A-ha” and “Back of the net” while he spanked one of the girls.

Coogan has stayed silent on more recent allegations that he slept overnight in a brothel off London’s Regent Street after exhausting himself with marathon cocaine and sex sessions.

Source

Who Am I?

2006-09-18T13:24:00.000-04:00

More on Spoiled Cats

2006-09-15T13:58:00.000-04:00

I never thought I'd say this but I guess I'm the Karl Pilkington in this case.

Sick Pick Of The Week

2006-09-13T16:50:00.000-04:00

Who: Neil Marshall (b. 1970)
Why: Writer/director of 'The Descent' and 'Dog Soldiers'. The practical FX on DS can be a bit bogus but it's one of the best horror films of the last 5 years, certainly one of the strongest debuts, and Marshall gives good 'boo'.
See Also: IMDB, Original UK ending of the Descent, YouTube

Really Not That Kind Of Mermaid

2006-09-13T14:28:00.000-04:00

I

Who would be
A mermaid fair,
Singing alone,
Combing her hair
Under the sea,
In a golden curl
With a comb of pearl,
On a throne?

II

I would be a mermaid fair;
I would sing to myself the whole of the day;
With a comb of pearl I would comb my hair;
And still as I comb'd I would sing and say,
'Who is it loves me? who loves not me?'
I would comb my hair till my ringlets would fall
          Low adown, low adown,
From under my starry sea-bud crown
          Low adown and around,
And I should look like a fountain of gold
  Springing alone
  With a shrill inner sound
          Over the throne
  In the midst of the hall;
Till that great sea-snake under the sea
From his coiled sleeps in the central deeps
Would slowly trail himself sevenfold
Round the hall where I sate, and look in at the gate
With his large calm eyes for the love of me.
And all the mermen under the sea
Would feel their immortality
Die in their hearts for the love of me.

III

But at night I would wander away, away,
  I would fling on each side my low-flowing locks,
And lightly vault from the throne and play
With the mermen in and out of the rocks;
We would run to and fro, and hide and seek,
On the broad sea-wolds in the crimson shells,
Whose silvery spikes are nighest the sea.
But if any came near I would call and shriek,
And adown the steep like a wave I would leap
From the diamond-ledges that jut from the dells;
For I would not be kiss'd by all who would list
Of the bold merry mermen under the sea.
They would sue me, and woo me, and flatter me,
In the purple twilights under the sea;
But the king of them all would carry me,
Woo me, and win me, and marry me,
In the branching jaspers under the sea.
Then all the dry-pied things that be
In the hueless mosses under the sea
Would curl round my silver feet silently,
All looking up for the love of me.
And if I should carol aloud, from aloft
All things that are forked, and horned, and soft
Would lean out from the hollow sphere of the sea,
All looking down for the love of me.

-A Mermaid, (1900), Alfred Lord Tennyson

The alternate title for this post was "AAAAAAAAAahhhhhhhhhhh Ariel", in case you were wondering (shut up, I know you weren't but it makes me laugh). Artist Juan Cabana has created (or rather 'found') the most amazing collection of Feejee Mermaids I've ever seen. If you aren't familiar, Feejee Mermaids first appeared in the U.S. in PT Barnum's sideshow and are traditionally constructed by smushing half of a monkey onto the tail of a fish, then dehydrating them into heedious little grindylows.

VIA Boing Boing

"Something Small And Fruity with Lady Fingers"

2006-09-13T12:26:00.000-04:00

Ok, so TMZ emails me useless information all day long, most of which goes straight to la poubelle. However, after some mega blurry left coast pap snaps of a bewigged Paris Hilton making out with Travis barker at Hyde showed up last week I was moderately interested in watching a new video of the gruesome twosome frenching it up at Marquee. I suggest you watch this, not because you can see anything at all but because at the the end of the tape Eliot Mintz shows up and is played by Beverly Leslie! Straight up, Beverly Leslie is clearly seen exiting the club: TMZ

rumor 100 banner

2006-09-12T17:32:00.000-04:00

YES

2006-09-12T16:34:00.000-04:00

Does Beyonce Want to Wring Rihanna's Neck?

2006-09-12T12:27:00.000-04:00

Frequent PETA target, Beyonce Knowles has put the coded smackdown on Rhianna in her song "Ring The Alarm". According to Media Take Out, Jigga protege Rhianna has been trying to redefine Bonnie & Clyde '06. Quoth Beyonce:

Ring the alarm I've been doin' this too long But I'll be damned if I see another chick on your arm Won't you ring the alarm I've been doin' this too long But I'll be damned if I see another chick on your arm Tell me how should I feel When you made me belong And the thought of you just touching her Is what I hate most I don't want you but I want it and I can't let it go To know you give it to her like you gave it to me, come on She's sold half a million - Gold She don't love [you] - that sh@# I know I done put in a call Time to ring the alarm Cause you ain't never seen a fire like the one I'm gone cause [chorus] How can you look at me And not see all the things that I kept only just for you Why would you risk it baby, is that the price I done paid Cause this is my show and I won't let you go All its been paid for, and it's mine How could you look at me And not see all the things Media Take Out P.S. Is that not the WORST photo ever?

Sensitivity, 3AM style

2006-09-12T10:51:00.000-04:00

ANNA NICOLE'S SON DROPS DEAD AS HE SEES HER NEW BABY

Another Reason to Mock Emo

2006-09-12T10:40:00.000-04:00

THE joint fashion shows for Yellow Fever (by Jamison Ernest) and Clandestine (by rocker Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy) at Capitale on Saturday ended with a bogus blood bath. Jamison - trying to make a political statement about Americans being taken hostage overseas - came onstage handcuffed and hooded. Models Linda V, his girlfriend, and Julie Ordon, dressed in army fatigue-inspired garb, shot at him with AK-47s loaded with blanks. "Jamison blatantly pulled fake blood capsules out of his pocket and smashed them into his chest," said one witness. "But he didn't smash hard enough, so when he fell over, flailing around pretending to be hit, he realized there was no actual blood on him, so he stood up and did the whole thing over again." Onlookers included Petra Nemcova, Kristin Cavallari, Ryan Cabrera and the rock band All-American Rejects.

Source

Def Con Couture

2006-09-11T10:28:00.000-04:00

Steven Meisel raises the threat level to fabulous in Vogue Italia.
Source

Catching Up With Iman

2006-09-10T12:44:00.000-04:00

I cannot tell a lie, sometimes Iman freaks me out.While I understand that empirically she may be the most beautiful person in creation, sometimes the combination of her fivehead and D.B's surgeried goblin King peepers comes across like a Haute Couture Class of Nuke'm High. However, girl gives fantastic soundbite:

Barneys hosted the Balenciaga Paris book party on Friday night with stars (Courtney Cox, the Olsen twins), designers (Anait Bian, Nicolas Ghesquière), and three different kinds of caviar. New York's Jada Yuan chatted with Iman.

You have your own makeup line. How are you coping with the makeup ban on airplanes?

In a way, it's good for business. If they can't travel with their makeup, when they go to their destination, they have to buy some more. But it's no good for women. If you don't let us bring lipstick, you must at least provide it for us when we get off the plane.

How do you feel about Mary-Kate Olsen wearing fur tonight?

I have no problem with fur. They said that on the set of that movie Snakes on a Plane, some snakes were hurt. Everything is an issue. You can't worry about that.

Who would you like to make over?

Courtney Love. I think she has the most beautiful plastic face.

Source

Worst Product Name of All Time?

2006-09-08T16:38:00.000-04:00

Pocket Mist. Listerine Orange POCKET MIST. I enjoy the experience of the product but shudder at the moniker. I feel like 'pocket mist' is what was flung by Multiple Miggs. Actually, that's a great name for a pet (M2 obv, not PM).

Dita Brings Front Row World Tour Stateside

2006-09-07T16:06:00.000-04:00

No big surprise, Mrs M2, Dita Von Teese, will be sitting front row at several shows this week. According to The Daily the official count is 3, Zac, Marc, and Rodarte. Source

Here Kitty Kitty

2006-09-06T13:51:00.000-04:00

I am trying to think of a way to introduce this next site. I think I am going to tell you about my mother's two cats, CousCous & Tajine. A ragdoll & a Norwegian forest cat, these two animals are the definition of house cat. I mean cream puffs with whiskers. They have no genitalia, no claws, in fact if it were socially acceptable they would most likely have their little anuses sewn shut with golden thread. In their lifetime they have posed for formal oil portraits (dressed in Moroccan garb), been given artisan crafted Ayurvedic collars, and generally receive the same amount of presents in their Christmas stockings as I do. Like most upscale kids they aren't without issues, CouCous is gay and Taj has an eating disorder. Their main function in life is to lie still and look pretty.

Jeff is not that kind of cat.

What Jeff Killed

Who's The Bunny Now, Bitch?

2006-09-05T20:43:00.000-04:00

Go Janie! Love you so much!

Watch this clip around the 2:18 mark.

'>

Best Outfit at The Open (Thus Far)

2006-09-05T15:35:00.000-04:00

OK, ignore the spastic hand, in a year dominated by Sharapova wannabes, France's Tatiana Golovin looked super cute last week in basic black. Capped princess sleeves and white accents made for a winning look (sorry, horrible).

Fang Club

2006-09-05T15:05:00.000-04:00

Sam Raimi's Ghosthouse Pictures has started doing webisodes on the pre-production for the film adaptation of '30 Days of Night'. Directed by David Slade(Hard Candy), it stars Josh Hartnett and Melissa George (I like her blonde hair, black eyebrows thing). Considering the merciless cinematic rape of "I am Legend", I find myself increasingly excited about this picture.
(See Here for proof of the total suck that is going to be Legend)

http://ghosthousepictures.comingsoon.net/news_article.php?articleid=31&viewby=13

Blinding The Item

2006-09-05T11:40:00.000-04:00

JUST ASKING
WHICH rapper who's unco-operative with cops is also uncooperative with cocktail waitresses? He doesn't like to tip . . . WHICH female head of a cosmetics company used to be a man? Company employees watched the executive as, "first he wore more feminine suits, then switched to full-on dresses and then got the ultimate cut," said our spy . . . WHICH married artist should tell his girlfriend to tone it down? The socialite has been shopping all over town, ringing up huge bills on his credit card and telling everyone about their affair.
(Page Six)

1. Clearly Busta

2. No idea, Olivia Chanticaille??

3. Brice Marden? Peter Beard?

If Only

2006-09-04T14:35:00.000-04:00

VIA

You're Everything a Big Bad Wolf Could Want

2006-09-04T13:17:00.000-04:00

Images from the installation 'Head On' by Chinese artist Cai Guo-Qiang at an exhibition at the Deutsche Guggenheim in Berlin. The installation consists a pack of 99 life-sized wolfes, fabricated from painted sheepskins and stuffed with hay and metal wires, barreling in a continous stream towards - and into - a constructed glass wall. The exhibition runs from August 26 to October 10, 2006.

Source

Changed The Game

2006-09-04T12:56:00.000-04:00

Apparently They Didn't All Float Over There

2006-09-03T21:52:00.000-04:00

Kids Watch as Clown Is Crushed to Death

I got a dealer in Tokyo. I got a rep in Paris

2006-09-02T00:20:00.000-04:00

My sickly amazing little brother and his girlfriend just got back from a summer of being artstars on the continent. Intrepid hipsters that they are, the lil'cuties got into the whole UK Festival scene and brought back a short clip of (my current crushed up) band 'The Horrors'. (From the "Tales Of The Jackalope" festival)

New Logo

2006-09-01T22:49:00.000-04:00

So Sad Summers Over

2006-09-01T13:44:00.000-04:00

Enjoy the holi, I'm out!

TV Free Burning Man

2006-08-31T18:30:00.000-04:00

OK, So maybe I'm the kind of Modern Primitave who is more likely to spend Labor Day in the Berkshires rather than Black Rock City. I can still catch up on what's going down at Burning Man via this site, TV Free Burning Man. It's got daily videocasts as well as info on live coverage.

Sick Pick Of The Week

2006-08-31T15:18:00.000-04:00

Who: Fred Vogel (b. 1976)
Why: His August Underground series delivers unadulterated nasty pseudo snuff on a micro budget.
See Also: Toe Tag Pictures

Is It Safe?

2006-08-31T14:59:00.000-04:00

Lovely, like Edward Scissorhand's retainer. Via

ABC to Try & Sober Up 'Footballers Wives' for U.S. Market

2006-08-30T16:37:00.000-04:00

I mean really. Variety can be all:

Touchstone Television-based producers Chris Brancato and Bert Salke are partnering with comedy scribe-producer Marco Pennette ("Ugly Betty," "Crumbs") to adapt the Shed Prods. format as an hourlong sudser. U.S. skein will take place in the world of pro football rather than soccer but will otherwise retain much of the over-the-top spirit of the original.
-Source

But is that not the same spiel that was attached to the aborted attempt at a Sateside Ab-Fab (Or Coupling for that matter)? And neither of those shows came even close to plot lines with hermaphroditic babies, fire ravaged glamour models breastesses, lesbionic coke whores and spelunking nymphos. Plus mad fit Brit behinds!

Juussst Trust Me On This'un

2006-08-30T16:30:00.000-04:00

Click here to see why I haven't been able to stop laughing for the last 7 and 1/4 minutes.

My Most Favorite Swedish Thing Ever!

2006-08-30T16:02:00.000-04:00

Oh, except for Peter Stormare. And the fish (gelatinous not like kippers or anything, sick). OK my third favorite Swedish thing ever, The Knife! Brother & sister duo making bizarro electro, and the usage of modified plague masks? clearly a fave.
Official site here

Chin up, little man!

2006-08-30T15:29:00.000-04:00

mediabistro: What happened with Stella? Did Comedy Central give it enough time?
Black: I think Comedy Central gave it a fair shot. The fact is we were just too weird for a mainstream audience to embrace. I'm incredibly proud of the work we did on Stella. I think the show is terrific. Unfortunately, America did not agree with me. Yet another reason why I hate America.
More here: FishbowlNY
For the record, I really liked Stella. Two winters ago I was unemployed and seriously, Stella,The Mighty Boosh, Rue Morgue Magazine and my lil glass chillum were my sole comforts. So sad.

Umm, Ick?

2006-08-30T15:14:00.000-04:00

Celebrating the forthcoming Evans produced,
Ratner helmed biopic of David Thorstad, founder of NAMBLA.
Image Via

Chav-telle Sounds Off

2006-08-30T14:47:00.000-04:00

Usually Jodie Marsh & Jordan trump Hatchetface Houghton (er, Preston?) in the retarded sound bite department, but now and again our faux Kandyflosser comes up with something worth scoffing at:

Chantelle Preston, is having to face the first trial of her married life - getting of her fear of felines so that new husband Samuel Preston can get a kitten.

Ordinary Boys’ Preston, who married his Celebrity Big Brother co-star last Friday, told OK magazine that despite the marriage, they’re not planning to settle down just yet: “I want to spend about five years just together enjoying being married so we can travel.”

“Then when all the money has run out we’ll have kids - but I want a kitten first!”

Chantelle added: “I’m terrified of cats but he wants one so I’m trying to overcome my fear. A cat came into our kitchen the other day and I couldn’t stop screaming!”

Via Fametastic

Hit It Or Quit It: US Open Edition

2006-08-30T12:44:00.000-04:00

Swiss Mister,
Roger Federer or

Lleyton Hewitt,
Thunder From
Down Under????

Dirge For A Dahlia

2006-08-30T10:38:00.000-04:00

The 1947 murder of Elizabeth Short, better known as the Black Dahlia, is a horrific unsolved crime whose spectre has lingered on the fringes of Hollywood for the better part of the last fifty years. With Brian De Palma's forthcoming film (based on the James Ellroy novel), the mystery surrounding the notorious case is being introduced to a wider audience then ever before. As a cross promotion with the film, Dateline re-ran their Dahlia segment last night.

Gore-hound herb that I am, I watched it again. Knowing how wrong-headed this sounds, the Elizabeth Short Murder has been my 'favorite' true crime story for the past decade (narrowly beating out even extreme S&M fanatic and totally insane-o cannibalistic grandaddy Albert Fish, seriously those letters to Grace Budd's parents- kraazay). Given the recent false confession of John Mark Karr, I viewed the segment with a more skeptical air than the first time the piece aired. Everyday, real life monsters perpetrate terrible crimes of abuse, the psychological horror of which irrevocably distorts the life experience of the victims. Horrific deaths like Short's, with unexplained factors and lack of answers, leads some people to try and make all the pieces fit together. Sometimes the search for answers, the desire for closure, leads to fragmentation of the facts at hand.

Further complicating the matter is the importance of honoring the testament of living victims. Several people who have claimed to have 'solved' the case of the Black Dahlia are themselves victims of abuse. Janice Knowlton, author of the sadly sensationalistic recovered memory memoir "Daddy Was The Black Dahlia Killer" was certainly the victim of horrific abuse, author Steve Hodel (and focus of the Dateline piece) does not directly identify himself as a victim of child abuse, but his sister Tamar was sexually abused by their father, suspect George Hodel.

Like the identity of Jack the Ripper, the murder of Elizabeth Short remains conclusively unsolved given the actual (non circumstantial) facts. The best treatment of the 'story' is the version done in novel form. James Ellroy's "The Black Dahlia"is one of the best neo-noir books all time. The fictive tale Ellory spins around the actualities of the case, echo the symbolism in the crime in an intellectually satisfying manner. John Gilmore's "Severed", though I remain unconvinced as to his conclusion of the perp, is my secondary recommendation. Steve Hodel's 'Black Dahlia Avenger' is a well researched effort but fails under the weight of it's reliance on circumstance. Janice Knowlton's "Daddy Was the Black Dahlia Killer" is one of the most upsetting books I have ever read, though not for the author's desired reason. Knowlton suffered truly terrible sexual and physical abuse at the hands of her father, a sexual sadist who may well have been a murderer, just not the one that killed Beth Short.

In any case Elizabeth Short was a woman whose life came to an unfairly brutal end. The crimes against her can never be remedied but her story deserves the dignity that only the truth can bestow. I hope she gets it.

Linkage, Etc.
Images:
"Elizabeth Short as Snow White (A smile I)" & "Elizabeth Short as Snow White (A smile II)" Watercolor Paintings by Brian Warner (AKA Marilyn Manson, Ha suckers! Tricked you! I bet you liked them until now, right? admit it- they are pretty good).

The Black Dahlia Movie

Amazon Info on books mentioned HERE

I Heart Herzog: Chapter 1 Million

2006-08-24T15:58:00.000-04:00

Nothing to say really except, OMG Werner in Trachten!! He is the cutest ever.

Celebrities, They're Just Like Us!

2006-08-24T15:25:00.000-04:00

By that, I mean crazy. George Clooney and I apparently suffer from the same desire to diagnose ourselves with fantastical illnesses. Seriously, when I get hangnail I convince myself it's necrotizing fasciitis.

From Today's Page 6(66):

GEORGE Clooney thought he had malaria after visiting war-torn Darfur last month. Though he checked out OK, he's having a hard time feeling normal again. "George was very thin and exhausted for a time," said a spy. "But he is the consummate professional . . . and never complained." Clooney's "Ocean's 13" castmate Brad Pitt contracted meningitis in Africa with Angelina Jolie last year. A rep for Clooney said, "George does not have malaria, but he felt like he had the effects of it at one point. It was food poisoning from the flight back from Darfur."

Haute Kink

2006-08-24T13:54:00.000-04:00

Looking for those perfect alligator-skin restraints? How about 24K gold handcuffs? If you are a high end pervert, look no further then new 'luxury and lifestyle brand that celebrates intimacy', Kiki De Montparnasse. Think love child of Agent Provocateur and Toys in Babeland.

Link.

No But Yeah But No But Yeah, But Give Us Yer Wallet!

2006-08-24T13:46:00.000-04:00

'Vicky Pollard' mugs lady

By SUN ONLINE REPORTER

POLICE were hunting a Vicky Pollard lookalike today who attacked and robbed a woman in a park.
The 28-year-old woman was walking in Alyn Waters Country Park in Wrexham, north Wales, when she was approached by two teenage girls.One of the pair - whose description matches that of chav queen Vicky Pollard on BBC comedy Little Britain - punched the woman in the face and stomach before stealing her mobile phone.North Wales Police described the girl as white, aged around 15 or 16, 5ft 4ins tall, and with blonde hair pulled back into a pony tail.She wore a pink tracksuit top, pink three-quarter length trousers, white trainers and heavy make-up.The force appealed for witnesses to the attack, which took place at 5.10pm yesterday. The victim suffered bruising.

Brit Rockers in Rehab

2006-08-24T13:39:00.000-04:00

Victoria Newton (The Sun, UK) wrote a funny article about Petey, Justin and Tom. Check it.

Possible band names
Arctic Junkies
The Cured
Rehabba / Sobertramp
Dire Straights
Rolling Stoned
Dope Patrol

Itchy & Scratchy

2006-08-24T13:24:00.000-04:00

Academy award winning director of The Exorcist and The French Connection, William Friedkin, is back with a new psychological horror film, 'Bug'. The film stars Ashley Judd and Harry Connick JR. and has been getting fantastic mentions. The stills I've seen look all kinds of tinfoil hat time crazy and I cant wait to check it out!

Link to trailer

A lonely waitress with a tragic past, Agnes rooms in a run-down motel, living in fear of her abusive, recently paroled ex-husband. But when Agnes begins a tentative romance with Peter, an eccentric, nervous drifter, she starts to feel hopeful again - until the first bugs arrive...

Probing the blurry lines between paranoia and nightmarish reality, Liongate Films BUG is an intense, mind-bending psychological thriller in which nothing is quite as it seems.
Directed by Academy Award® winner William Friedkin ("The French Connectiuon", "The Exorcist") and adapted by Tracy Letts from his hit off-Broadway play, "Bug" stars Golden Globe nominee Ashley Judd, Harry Connick, Jr., Lynn Collins, Brian O'Byrne and Michael Shannon.

Not Ready For Primetime Played-Out?

2006-08-24T12:52:00.000-04:00

Since the announcement that Tina Fey and Rachel Dratch were decamping from Studio 8H for '30 Rock' (combined with the increasingly uneven humor content on SNL), it has been expected that there would be major changes coming for SNL. Lorne Michaels confirmed this to the New York Post earlier in the week but didn't offer up any names. The following are the various tidbits of gossip about whats gone down.

*4 Cast members are being cut (6 if you count the departure of Dratch & Fey)

*Horatio Sanz is out.

*Chris Parnell is out. (This would be the 2nd time he has been fired from the show, which sucks because I love him even though he has stubby fingers)

*Will Forte is out.

*Amy Poehler is staying and in house auditions are being held for 'Weekend Update'

*OR, Seth Meyers is taking over as co-anchor.

*Seth Meyers will be named (sole) Head Writer.

*Finesse Mitchell or Maya Rudolph may be the 4th person out.

*No New Cast Members

Post Article Here

Hulk's Hammock!!

2006-08-21T19:46:00.000-04:00

Scream along with me, won't you? VIA

Blue-Blood Gone Bad!!

2006-08-21T19:25:00.000-04:00

Ok children, this one has it all, important (in my sad little mind) facts in bold:

PAMPERED Long Island socialite Jane Choate was just sentenced to two years' probation and 100 hours of community service for mowing down a Florida road worker and zooming off so she wouldn't miss her bridge game - but she certainly doesn't seem remorseful.

Not only has 87-year-old Choate - one of the New York Botanic Garden's most influential board members - yet to write a court-mandated letter of apology to her victim, but she could risk jail after reportedly threatening to break parole.

"She tells her probation officer she's going on her annual cruise and the officer said, 'Ma'am, you've got to understand - if you go on a cruise, you're going to be arrested.' She said, 'I've got a passport, I'll go where I want!' " said lawyer Bob Critton, who represents ex-Marine Jimmy Crews in a damage suit he's launched against Choate. "This woman doesn't give a damn. Her life revolves around herself."

Last Jan. 21, Choate, who lives in posh Locust Valley, L.I., smacked Crews twice with her silver Lexus while he was working as a flag man for a road crew on Jupiter Island, Fla., where she was vacationing in a $100,000 winter rental. She hit him once while she tried weaving around the site, and again when he tried to stop her. Witnesses say she snapped at him, "Get out of my way! I'm late for my bridge game!"

Crews, who suffered back and knee injuries and hasn't been able to work since, tracked her to the Jupiter Island Club, where she was playing in a duplicate-bridge tournament. There, Critton says, she fumed at him, "You were rude, you wouldn't get out of the way. I'm gonna get you fired."

Amazingly, cops allowed her to finish her game, in which she placed fourth, before quizzing her. Choate pleaded no contest this month to leaving the scene of an accident that resulted in injuries.

Choate's own lawyer wouldn't comment or say if she would go on her cruise. While she does have two years to write her apology, Critton fumed, "This lady remains unrepentant and completely remorseless . . . She thought this was just another yard boy."

From Sunday's Page Six

Dude May Look Like A Lady

2006-08-21T19:15:00.000-04:00

Or, rather, other way round, but Pink has the sickest body ever!

Posh's Body Dismorphic Perfume Ad

2006-08-21T19:09:00.000-04:00

Just who do Posh & Becks think they are fooling with this plump rump advert? Everyone knows the only the only things that protrude from Victoria Beckham are those two silicone grapefruits seen in exhibit A.

Sam's New Snake

2006-08-21T18:16:00.000-04:00

Looky here, the onesheets for (writer/director, Hustle & Flow) Craig Brewer's 'Black Snake Moan'. If you're not familiar:

A God-fearing bluesman (Jackson) takes to a wild young woman (Ricci) who, as a victim of childhood sexual abuse, looks everywhere for love, never quite finding it(Source)

Read as S.L.J chains Christina Ricci to his radiator in order to cure her nymphomanical impulses. Plus Justin Timberlake. How much do you love these posters? (via)

Sick Pick Of The Week

2006-08-21T18:02:00.000-04:00

Who: Sage Stallone (b.1976)
Why: Founder of Grindhouse Releasing. (His re-release of 'Cannibal Holocaust' changed my precepts of cinema)
See Also: Grindhouse on IMDB

Russell's Roundup

2006-08-21T14:36:00.000-04:00

Ok- so BB U.K. finished last week- Pete took home the prize-- but did he take home nikki? Some reports indicate he may have already dumped the pint size mentalist. Bad move refusing to talk to Davina, Nik, btw. Rumor is that her spinoff program 'Princess Nikki' might be in jeopardy due to her downward slide in popularity following her re-entry into the house. OMG- did you read the last few lines?-- I have been viddying too many tabs, this post reads like a rejected Ted Casablancas item. P.S. Nikki wuz a whuure. And now, Russell Brand's thoughts on the housemates: (More Here)

SPIRAL: There was a lovely moment after he was evicted when we traded catchphrases. Spiral (right) walked past on the runway and I yelled, "Oi'd do everyfing for you," and he shouted, "You swine." A lot of people thought he was lecherous, but what else was he supposed to do in the house all day apart from want to sh*g girls?

MICHAEL: My favourite moment was when he rapped in front of Spiral, who looked at him with sheer contempt as though he was the godfather of hip hop Afrika Bambaataa himself. When the others were drowning Scruples the Cat, that was a bit of primitive voodoo. If you let housemates bring effigies in, you're asking for trouble. (MY FAVE ONE)

GLYN: He was enjoying the prison task even before the revelation of the secret tunnel. When he saw the cake, that was exciting enough for him. The other prisoners were going crazy about the escape route, but he was still fired up about the cake. If you gave him the secrets of the universe in a chocolate eclair, he'd eat them.

PETE: Interesting that he wasn't keen to stay in the prison—he really did not shine in this task, although he was badly hurt when he didn't get a letter. In these next few weeks we'll see Pete (left) re-emerge as the one true winner. He's going to erupt in an explosion of expletives and charisma. (Also a goodie)

RICHARD: When he first came into the house he said his perfect day out would be at a prison. He must have been thinking more along the lines of being subjugated by beefcakes rather than hanging around with Spiral and Glyn. Viewers will warm to him after the letter about his mum's chemotherapy —even though Spiral mispronounced it. That could have been a disaster. Can you imagine Spiral saying: "Good news, Richard, your mum's got lucky. Oh no, sorry, she's got LEUKAEMIA."

IMOGEN: The letter she got from her parents was delightful: "I'm amazed how much you've grown," and all that stuff. They must have meant "in a spiritual sense", although it sounded like they hadn't seen her since she was nine. The camera angles we got of Imogen (left) crawling through the tunnel ensured her presence in the house for a decade.

SUSIE: I quite like Susie now—she brings a different dynamic to all the arguing, with her motherly ways. When she and Mikey had a bust-up she was so diplomatic and still managed to patronise him to a massive degree. Short of giving him a shiny sixpence and flicking a jelly bean into his mouth, she treated him like a toddler. It was wonderful.

JENNIE: I loved it when Pete came out of jail and she told him: "I've missed the way you cough and how you say ‘w***' and ‘w******'." What Jennie (left) missed was Tourette's Syndrome. It's like the Elephant Man returning from a trip and his mates saying, "John, we've missed you so much, with all those cauliflowers all over your neck."She also said she find's Glyn's constant self-pleasuring "really endearing"-that's a lovely quality for a female. In fact, it's a strong enough basis for marriage.

GLYN: Watching him pace about for his food was hilarious. And now he has Spiral as a companion to talk about women, his sexual frustration is going to go through the roof. Almost whipped himself into a frenzy when Big Brother showed some words in Welsh, his native tongue. He's the most Welsh Welshman ever. If they put a leek in the house I fear for what he'll do with it.

PETE: Getting on my wick a bit. Still sure he'll win, but needs a romantic lead. All the women have fancied Pete, right, at one time or another. In fact Nikki's in love. But I'm still not sure whether I'd prefer to see him bag off with Aisleyne or have a brood of erratic, swearing kids with Nikki.

MIKEY: Finally got a bit animated — over the rat. Had a confrontation with Richard, which I reckon is really a confrontation with his own latent homosexuality. I mean, he still hasn't taken care of the Imogen issue-what on earth is wrong with the lad?

SPIRAL: A terrible advert for teetotalism—he just can't interact with the others when they've had a few. I'm sick of his constant auditions for a record deal. His raps are cr*p, too. They sound like a thinly veiled prelude to a sex attack. He's like a Third World Eminem — which is saying something given that Eminem came from a trailer park. (Russ you are a panty-dropping genius!)

JENNIE: I really hope she ends up having it off with Glyn. My favourite Jennie moment was Nikki's accusation that she'd "nicked her personality" because she was singing by the pool. Best hope for her is a love-in with the Welsh lad.

Big Brothers Big Fight

2006-08-21T14:33:00.000-04:00

Big Brother All Stars (USA) is finally getting interesting! I wanted Howie to deliver a four fingered knuckle sandwich straight into Mike Boogie and his orange felt Peter Pan cap. OK yes- Howie is borderline retarded but he is sweet and loyal. It's one thing to be deceitful and play up your evil genius (Dr. will) 'game'. But there is nothing more repellent then being a minion!
Boogie is such a classic toady- all the peroxide in WeHo can't make him an individual. Howie was pissed because Boogie went out of his way to lie and make him feel safe-- what an evil troll.

Speaking of trolls, big ups to CBS for using real live midgies dressed as gnomes! That's my idea of a great bid for ratings. let's talk about the only person on the show more vile than Boogie- James!!! his anorexic eyebrows and vitriolic self pity make me cringe. He may be the veto champ (last year) but his psychological game is hideous. He is so transparent and such a creepily misogynistic sore loser. Plus he throws more fits than an epileptic-- odious. He is a tooth sucking, foot stamping, cartoon of a spoiled Victorian child, all he is missing is the hoop and stick.

Snakes On Cocaine!

2006-08-21T12:34:00.000-04:00

I promise this is the last SOAP related post. But this just really makes me laugh- go to the WOW report for more pix .

I Am Living Inside A Rancid Petit Four

2006-08-19T00:27:00.000-04:00

Ok so you can't really tell from these pictures from my crap cameraphone but the entryway/hallway of my building has gone Willy Wonka bonkas! I know it's lame to bitch about new marble floors and a fresh coat pf benjamin moore, especially when my last apartment was decorated solely by 2 ever present wetbrained supers (the Statler and Waldorf of the batshit crazy set). But seriously, the walls have been painted generic brand piastachio ice cream green and chocolate brown. Fake sconces and totally extraneous decorative trim has been tacked on to every available surface. The overall effect is like "The Martha Stewart Suite" at a Nevada whorehouse.

Enough is enough, I've had it with these.....Vultures?

2006-08-18T20:59:00.000-04:00

Sorry, had to. CNN
p.s. SoaP is going to exert unholy serpentic ownership on this weekends b to the izzo.

Blinding The Item

2006-08-18T13:03:00.000-04:00

Which reality contestant who just got kicked off the show was targeted over a more deserving deportee because the program's hostess hated her so much? Source

Hmmmm, I would hazard a guess and say it has to be Alison Kelly from Project Runway.

The Fearsome Life and Ignoble Death of The Androscoggin Beast

2006-08-18T11:07:00.000-04:00

A monster people, a real life monster! It's stories like this that keep me from saying 'Bloody Mary' in the bathroom mirror. EEekk, look at its crazy eyes! Ohhhh innit horrible??

TURNER, Maine --Residents are wondering if an animal found dead over the weekend may be the mysterious creature that has mauled dogs, frightened residents and been the subject of local legend for half a generation.

The animal was found near power lines along Route 4 on Saturday, apparently struck by a car while chasing a cat. The carcass was photographed and inspected by several people who live in the area, but nobody is sure exactly what it is.

Michelle O'Donnell of Turner spotted the animal near her yard about a week before it was killed. She called it a "hybrid mutant of something."

"It was evil, evil looking. And it had a horrible stench I will never forget," she told the Sun Journal of Lewiston. "We locked eyes for a few seconds and then it took off. I've lived in Maine my whole life and I've never seen anything like it."

For the past 15 years, residents across Androscoggin County have reported seeing and hearing a mysterious animal with chilling monstrous cries and eyes that glow in the night. The animal has been blamed for attacking and killing a Doberman pinscher and a Rottweiler the past couple of years.

People from Litchfield, Sabattus, Greene, Turner, Lewiston and Auburn have come forward to speak of a mystery monster that roams the woods. Nobody knows for sure what it is, and theories have ranged from a hyena or dingo to a fisher or coydog, an offspring of a coyote and a wild dog.

Now, people are asking if the mystery beast and the animal killed over the weekend are one and the same.

Wildlife officials and animal control officers declined to go to Turner to examine the remains. By Tuesday, the carcass had been picked clean by vultures and there was not much left of the dead animal.

Loren Coleman, a Portland author and cryptozoologist, said it's unlikely that the animal was anybody's pet.

After reviewing photos of the carcass, Coleman said he was bothered by the animal's ears and snout. It reminded him of a case years ago in northern Maine in which an animal shot by a hunter could not be identified. In the end, wildlife officials got a DNA analysis that showed the animal was a rare wolf-dog hybrid, he said.

Mike O'Donnell, who is married to Michelle O'Donnell, said the animal looked "half-rodent, half-dog" to him.

It was charcoal gray, weighed between 40 and 50 pounds and had a bushy tail, a short snout, short ears and curled fangs hanging over its lips, he said. It looked like "something out of a Stephen King story."

"This is something I've never seen before. It's an evil-looking thing," he said. Source

Separated By One Over Zealous Eyebrow Wax

2006-08-17T15:06:00.000-04:00

Suspected Murderous Kiddie Fiddler Mark John Karr & BB AllStars James Rhine

To Avoid Fainting, Keep Repeating: It's Only A Remake, It's Only A Remake

2006-08-17T13:24:00.000-04:00

Variety says Rogue Pictures is going ahead with a remake of Wes Craven's first feature, Last House On The Left. No details yet on writer/director/leads attached. Craven will return to produce. (Ed note: Wasn't Chaos supposed to be a remake of LHOTL?)

Breaking! Pete Wentz Is Gross And So Is His Dinkle

2006-08-17T12:02:00.000-04:00

Ok so it's not really breaking per se, but I just realized I really do not enjoy his presence.

Weiner-Dog Gets Hostel!

2006-08-16T15:32:00.000-04:00

Today's Hollywood Reporter has casting news for Eli Roth's Hostel 2:

Lauren German, Heather Matarazzo and Bijou Phillips are in varying stages of negotiations to star in "Hostel 2," which Eli Roth is directing for Screen Gems. The first "Hostel," which was released this year and grossed about $50 million domestically, followed three men who end up in a Slovakian hostel which serves as a front for an organization specializing in torture. This time, the story follows three women who, while studying abroad for the summer, learn the grim truth behind the Slovakian hostel and its international counterparts. German would play a wealthy girl trying to figure out her next step in life, Phillips would be her best friend and Matarazzo will be a tag-along.
source

She Talks To Angles

2006-08-16T14:27:00.000-04:00

The only context in which I ever liked Goldie 2.0 was with her lanky hard rock husband. The thought of her and the crooked appendages of Owen Wilson makes me want to boot. And then yawn.

I Am The (Fashion) Dragon!

2006-08-16T14:05:00.000-04:00

Francis Dolarhyde himself, Ralph Fiennes conducted a hiiighlarious interview with Bravo VP Andy Cohen about Project Runway, it's a must-- Fiennes is such a girl, a creepily attractive balding girl. check it.

Mas Goss

2006-08-15T12:40:00.000-04:00

This almost makes up for the media barrage of horrible clips from 'Shark'.

Woods clears away gal pal

Memo to Hollywood powerbrokers: The trouble with having 20-year-old girlfriends is, like, they're 20.
Youthful Ashley Madison made the gossip pages in June when she parlayed her relationship with James Woods, 59, into a role on "Entourage."
But the romance spectacularly soured when Madison showed up at Woods' brother Michael's July 31 funeral "in a 3-inch miniskirt and chain-smoking."
"At the funeral she was concerned about the amount of magazines she was in," says Woods' pal Scott Sandler. "Jimmy was on his knees with tears staining his shirt, and she was showing pictures of herself."
The actor has known Madison, the pal of a golfing buddy, since she was 5. "She's the anti-Christ," says Sandler. "She truly has the soul of a moth and the brain of a dead trout."
Woods stars this fall in the new CBS legal drama "Shark," directed by Spike Lee. But he decided to end his May-December fling after stress sent him to the ER.
"Jimmy was so overcome by grief his blood pressure went through the roof early last week, and he had to go to the hospital," said Sandler. "When he came out, it was like he had seen the light."

Attempts to contact Madison through HBO were not successful

Source

Stay Together For The Kids?

2006-08-15T12:06:00.000-04:00

When I started blogging a couple of months ago I had a hard time of it-- writing in the public domain just seemed like leaving your journal in the lunch room- on purpose. I got over it by realizing that I could write about things other then your my own sorry state of affairs (although on a personal note I bought a fantastic new bra and decided to wear a rather lowcut blouse today-- I just looked down to admire my own cleavage and realized I have a line of toothpaste drool on said pert tata). All this is just to say Travis Barker decided to spill his guts about his split with his wife-bot Shanna on ye olde myspace blog.

Monday, August 14, 2006

WHAT IT IS 4 THE RECORD...
What's happnin'...gotta say this is wierd for me. I've never blogged or left a journal, or had my own website for EVERYBODY to read. I've always expressed my self thru my music/drums and Famou$ Stars and Straps. I've never had anybody flat out lie about me or say things so FOUL in the press either so there is a first for everything. It's important to me what my fans think, my fans are the fucking best...you'all are like me....were diverse, were colorful, were strong, we stand out,we're proud, we stand for something and most importantly we stand up for ourselves...when someone pushes you/us, NO MATTER HOW BIG we stand up and push right back before we let them have it....right? well im here to set the record straight about my divorce for anybody wondering.Here i will give you a walk in my life with Shanna Moakler. it starts around 5:30.(SHANNA SLEEPING) i wake up and get my babies....we play wit dinosaurs, numbers, we change dirty dipers, it's the best. Around 7am our oldest gets up(SHANNA SLEEPING). She gets ready for school and i make her "coffee milk" and a bagel. the other babies are knee deep in eggies and applesauce.(NOTE TO SELF: SHANNA DOESN'T EVEN TAKE HER DAUGHTER TO SCHOOL, her ASSISTANT DOES.) At 8am our nanny comes in, she is the best, at 9am we go on a walk, me and my son...we find pine cone tree's. At 10am i go to breakfast meeting wit the FAMOUS STARS AND STRAPS CREW(for those who dont know, thats my clothing line I started in 99') that i have built to help run the company wit me...they rule. At 11am (SHANNA SLEEPING) i return from breakfast and kiss the babies goodbye, it's time to drive to the FAMOUS wherehouse to go to a design meeting and visit my WAHOO'S restraunt(they are an hour from LA)....by the way SHANNA IS STILL SLEEPING. i get back from FAMOUS round' 2pm and i head over to my studio. (SHANNA IS JUST NOW GETTING UP:) SHANNA GOES TO GET NAILS DONE WIT HER ASSISTANT. During the hours from2pm-5pm im @ my $tudio working on the 44 record(my new band) in studio A and in B i produce trax for TOO- SHORT,B-REAL, PAUL WALL, TI, SKINHEAD ROB...it's my passion, music is everything to me...my way of expressing myself, IM A MUSO. Round 6pm i have dinner wit the babies and my nanny, (SHANNA IS M.I.A. NOTE TO SELF....SHE IS NOT AT WORK..SHE WORKED 6 TIMES IN THE LAST 4 YEARS, ROUND 8PM I USUALLY RECIEVE A TEXT SAYING SHE'S GOING OUT TO DINNER) Myself, im now going to play an X-GAMES party for DC SHOES wit my boy DJAM. By the way....we are working/performing. It's now 11pm, we are going on....we kill it, we have so much fun. (WHO KNOWS WHERE MY WIFE IS AT THIS POINT, CAN U TAKE ANY GUESS')Around 1am i get home....NO SHANNA, JUST THE SMELL OF PERFUME LIKE GNARLY. MY NANNY IS STILL AT THE HOUSE...(THIS NANNY IS ALSO TO REFERRED TO AS MOMMY at times:(). I SHOWER AND GET INTO BED, ROUND 3:30 AM MY WIFE GETS IN, DRUNK, LOUD CURSING CAUSE SHE HATES MY FRIENDS, HATES MY BANDS, MY WORK,HATES ME .... I GO TO BED AND REPEAT THIS EVERYDAY....MY BREKING POINT............That brings me to week ago, i CAME ACROSS CONDOMS(WE DONT USE CONDOMS EVER) I WAS INFORMED BY OUR REALITOR SHANNA WAS DOING DANCING WIT THE STARS?(why wouldn't she tell me right? A MYSPACE ACCOUNT?(WHERE SHE POSTS PIX OF OUR CHILDREN AND HER AND I HALF NAKED???????WIERD??? A MYSPACE AFFAIR WIT SOME guy(DORK) AND RUMORS OF HER CHEATING. IMM'A LAY IT OUT... I LOST MY MOTHER TO CANCER AT 16, IT BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. MY PARENTS WERE IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING DIVORCED WHEN THIS HAPPENED. WITH THAT BEING SAID.....I WANT NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR MY CHILDEREN. I WANT THE BEST MOMMY EVER FOR THEM....I TRIED, I WENT TO THERAPY WIT SHANNA. I LOVE SHANNA VERY MUCH, SO MUCH I HAD TO LEAVE CAUSE I'M NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON TO STAY IN A SITUATION THATS UNFAIR AND UNFIT TO BUILD A FAMILY. WE LIVED A FAIRYTALE WHEN IT WAS RIGHT, NOTHING COULD'VE COME BETWEEN US, I STILL MISS AND WILL HOLD THAT TIME WIT ME. BUT TO HAVE A WOMAN I BUILT A FAMILY WITH, I LAUGHED WITH, I PROPOSED 2, I LOVED MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WHOLE WORLD, I WANTED TO GROW OLD WITH DO THIS TO ME, I WOULDNT RESPECT MYSELF...I'D HAVE NO PRIDE, I'D WALK WIT MY HEAD DOWN...THAT'S NOT TRAVIS BARKER. I NEVER WANTED THIS....NEVER. MY HEART IS BROKEN AND A DREAM OF MINE IS GONE. I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL CHECK MY MAIL OR EVEN EVER TALK ON THIS AGAIN. I WILL KEEP GRINDING, REACHING FOR MY GOALS & DREAMS ,MAKE MU$IC FOR YOU TO DRIVE FAST 2 AND CLOTHES FOR YOU TO STUNT ON PEOPLE WITH.... AND I WILL BE THE BEST FUCKING FATHER TO MY BABIES. I'M NOT SURE WHAT TOMMORROW HOLDS, YOU NEVER DO....STAY UP-I LOVE U GUYS. Tr@vi$SORRY FOR THE MIS-SPELLING/ TYPE ERRORS

Oh, Andy

2006-08-15T11:28:00.000-04:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again-- nothing makes my soul take flight like insanely bad behavior by Andy Dick. From today's Page 6(66):

KOOKY comedian Andy Dick went bonkers at the Comedy Central roast of William Shatner on Sunday night - licking the faces of Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and Patton Oswalt before biting Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller on the hand during a bizarre backstage meltdown.
Dick's face-licking frenzy began after Oswalt made a crack about the scraggly star's rollerskate-licking turn in Jessica Simpson's video, "A Public Affair." Dick retaliated by unleashing his tongue on Oswalt's face before turning it on Fawcett, Fisher and "Star Trek" actress Nichelle Nichols during the taping at the Radford CBS Studio in Studio City, Calif.
Backstage at the after-party, a drunken Dick groped an appalled Stadtmiller, tried to kiss her, proclaimed his love for her and finally bit her hand.
"Baby please," Dick repeated six times. "Put in something nice," he said after urinating in front of the horrified journalist in his dressing room and offering her cocaine.
"They're so mean," he ranted. "I'm not weird. Maybe I'm a little weird, they make me out to be a monster, I'm not a monster . . . I just want to have fun, baby please."
Dick, who performed his roast routine dressed in full Trekkie regalia, said that he downed two vodka cranberries to give him the courage to talk to fellow roaster Fawcett - of whom he said, "I'm going to [bleep] the [bleep] out of. Put that in Page 6, 7 and 8, that's how big my [bleep] is."
Explaining to Stadtmiller why he urinated in front of her, Dick said, "You know why I don't close the door? Because then people think I'm doing drugs, and I want you to know I'm just normal."
And why did Dick go on his licking spree? "I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you're a little piece of fresh tuna," Dick told Stadtmiller. "But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now?"
No, Stadtmiller said - "but he can pay for that tetanus shot," she told us. Dick's camp had no comment.

Brushfire!

2006-08-14T23:40:00.000-04:00

Sorry Ly-Lo, Harry is the O.G. in the Firecrotch division. Full story about 'the spare' being naughty at Boujis here.

Dopplegangland

2006-08-14T23:17:00.000-04:00

Sometimes Kelly O and I are sooo on the same wavelength. This is totes me today- just replace those fauncy Madison shopping bags with a Subway bag containing a 6inch whole wheat veggie delite and a copy of Tatler Magazine thats a month out of date. Same expression though-- I wonder if her big toe had just been molested by a repeat sex offender bichon like mine was.